If you found this page, I think I already know something about where you are.

You relapsed. Maybe an hour ago. Maybe you’re still coming down right now. And it’s not the high you’re feeling anymore — it’s what comes after it. The shame. That voice asking how you got here again, after you swore last time was the last time. Maybe it’s 2 in the morning, the house is quiet, and you have never felt more alone.

I want you to hear me before anything else: I sat in that chair. I’m not writing this from the outside looking in. I lived it.

I lost almost everything to drugs. The hardest part wasn’t the using — it was what it cost. When my family found out, it was one of the worst days of my life. I can remember it like it was yesterday. They were so disappointed in me. My dad didn’t want nothing to do with me, and I can’t blame him. I stayed away from them and my kids for drugs, brother. That’s how bad that stuff is for you. I lost so many years of life with my family.

I missed my kids growing up.

So when I tell you I understand the chair you’re sitting in tonight — I mean it. And I’m telling you: you are not too far gone. Keep reading.

The Three Voices

Let me tell you about a night I’ll never forget.

I was in rehab. Day three. The bone-deep pain hit me — the hot and cold flashes — and it was unbearable. So I snuck out. Here’s what was going on in my head when I walked out that door:

“I was telling myself I couldn’t go through this pain and suffering — I just needed it to go away. But at the same time I was telling myself, I really messed up this time. Why are you so stupid? Why did you get started on this crap? But in all honesty, I didn’t care why. I just cared about getting the next fix.”

I didn’t know it then, but there were three different voices talking to me all at once.

The first voice was my body. The sickness, the pain, screaming to make it stop.

The second voice was the shame. Why are you so stupid. Look what you did. Again.

The third voice was the addiction itself. Underneath the pain and underneath the shame, cold and quiet: I just want the next fix.

Here’s why I’m telling you this. Most of the Christian stuff out there only talks to the second voice — the shame. It tries to make you feel forgiven. And you need that, you do. But if nobody tells you about the first voice and the third voice, you’ll think something is wrong with you when forgiveness doesn’t make the craving stop. There isn’t. There are three voices. You have to know all three are in the room.

The Lie That Keeps You Down

After I left rehab that day, I went straight to my dealer and got high. And right then I made myself a promise:

“From that moment I told myself, I’m not going to go through that again. So I got a bunch and started selling it too, to cover my addiction and support my addiction.”

Hear what I’m really saying. The dealing wasn’t some separate sin off to the side. It was a system. It was me making sure I would never, ever have to feel that rehab pain again. It was me taking care of it myself.

That’s the lie. The lie is that you can rescue yourself — that if you just manage it right, control it right, white-knuckle it hard enough, you’ll save yourself.

I believed that lie for years. I went looking for the answer everywhere. I tried things I’m not proud of, chased money, chased anything that promised a way out. I searched in every place except the one place that actually had the answer. (That whole story is on my testimony page if you want it.)

Jesus said it plain:

Without Him you can do nothing. Not “not much.” Nothing. I had to learn that the hard way, for about fifteen years.

What Actually Worked

So what finally changed it?

It wasn’t willpower. I want to be real clear about that, because if you’re anything like me, you’ve already tried willpower a hundred times — and hated yourself a hundred times when it failed. It was never going to be willpower.

It was dependence. It was learning to lean on Him instead of on me.

When I finally surrendered — when I poured the drugs out and meant it — the withdrawal came for me again. The same withdrawal that drove me out of rehab years before. But this time I had a different power source:

“The first day I had cravings, I prayed — and He brought them down to where I could stand it. When the aches and pain came, I prayed — and He carried me through them. And that’s what I did, and I got into the scripture. And it’s been up from there.”

Now don’t get me wrong. There are still trials and tribulation and attacks on the mind every single day. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you it’s over. But I found the key to getting through it. And I want to hand it to you right now:

That’s not just a nice saying. That’s the Bible. Paul wrote it:

When the craving comes — and it will come — don’t fight it alone with your own strength. Lay it at His feet. Pray through it. I did it one craving at a time, and He met me every single time.

And here’s the other way He showed up: He never made me do it alone. When I finally walked away from that life and had nothing coming in, I had no idea how I was going to pay my bills or even eat. But I had a sister. Through all those years we weren’t even speaking — years I gave my whole family every reason to give up on me — she never stopped praying for me. Not one single day. And when I had nothing, she was the one who carried me. She covered my bills until I could stand on my own two feet again. That was God providing. Not out of thin air — through a person who loved me enough to keep praying when I’d given her every reason to walk away.

So if you feel completely on your own tonight, hear me: ask Him for that person. He sent me mine. And He will send you yours — because this is His promise to everyone who lays their life down and walks in His ways. He said it Himself:

Abide in Him. Walk in His ways. And ask. He is faithful to His Word.

My Charge to You

I know that not every story is the same as mine, and some stories are more powerful than mine. But for me, God opened the doors to my parents’ house and He relocated me. I seen His work first hand. It may not have been as fast as I wanted, or how I had to go through it, but at the end of the day He showed up for me — and His faithfulness endures forever, even when I wasn’t seeking Him. So seeing that, that was enough evidence for me.

And He might not show up for you the same way. It may be in a different way — and that will be a great story to tell. But just know that He will always be there for you, even when you are not there for yourself.

So my advice is to have faith — not in you, but in Him.

Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world. Know that if God is for you, who can be against you? The journey will not be easy rainbows and sunshine, but if you have faith like a mustard seed, you can move mountains with Him who loves you.

The First Step

If you’ve read this far, here’s the only step I’m going to ask you to take. Not get clean first. Not get your life together first. Just come.

Read that again. Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden. He didn’t say come once you’ve cleaned up. He said come as you are. With the drugs still in your system. With the shame still hot. You don’t clean up to come to Him — you come to Him to get cleaned up.

And see that word yoke? A yoke is the wooden piece that joins two oxen together so they pull as one. When you take His yoke, you are not pulling your load alone anymore. He’s pulling right there beside you. That’s the whole thing. You were never meant to carry this by yourself.

So right now, wherever you are — you don’t need fancy words. Just say it:

That’s a prayer. That’s the first step. He hears it.

You can read my whole story here. And if you need someone to pray with you, you can reach out to us anytime. You are not alone tonight.

A 30-DAY FAITH COMPANION

30 Days Through the Fire

Written by a former atheist who met God on a withdrawal floor — for the person who truly wants out. Thirty honest days: the loop, the negotiator, the peak, the carrying, and the God who answers every call.

“Call unto me, and I will answer thee.” — Jeremiah 33:3

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